“How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?” ~ Leonard Cohen
What I miscalculated was a lot. But in fairness, (the story I tell myself) we were way too busy in those years just trying to outrun some made up idea of who we were and what we stood for. Who had time to pay attention back then? Who did much contemplative thought?
It’s taken so long to get to HERE
And yet, here is where I’m at. There are so many things that astonish me. One of them being how much our roots, the roots of our people, stay nested within us. They nudge our notions and whisper opinions in our ears. And they point out options to consider, another perspective to look at. And they do this all from the beyond space where they live now.
If you open up just a little to hear their voices, they’ll also take the opportunity to reveal profound places for transformation. We’ll just put this over here, they’ll say, on the table where you can find it. Are you paying attention, they’ll ask. Did you see this over here?
The unexpected catch
And here’s the hook. Once you’ve picked it up to study it, you’re sucked down the rabbit hole of opening all the doors, which by the way happen to open from the inside! One by one, the portals of self-inquiry and self-discovery open and nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever the same again. The volume gets turned up. And the somewhat rocky ride is on.
When my mood darkened, the sweet bird singing just stopped. Just like that. And, on its heels came the thunder, as it always did. Low, off in the distance. The crickets are the brave ones that can bear my mood. This place has gone straight to hell. The people reflect the landscape. I either scare them away or frighten them speechless. And they question my sanity. They should. Even the thunder is scared to come and bring rain.
The work begins
It takes time and digging to discover that it’s a kind of Fear you’re living with and then it takes even more time and tunneling to find out where it came from in the first place. And depending on how deep you need to dig; you might find you need a damn miner’s hat and light. Because the shit will come falling on your head.
So, better to ease into these things. Extra points for gentleness.
“I like digging holes and hiding things inside them. When I grow old, I won’t forget to find them. Cause, I got memories and travel like gypsies in the night.” ~ Alice Merton
Bringing the past forward
There is room for redemption when you consider what’s been learned from the past. Our hands on horses are much more benevolent today than they were many years ago. We know and practice gentler ways with these sentient beings. We became better listeners.
Our roan boy is having age changes I’ve seen before in horses with an obsessive and compulsive nature. Quiet and reserved but often all bunched up. If he were human, he’d be a nail biter. He travels with a low rumble, partially the result of malfunctional parenting. I don’t know his lineage. Maybe he comes from an uptight family besides, which didn’t help his cause.
When he first came, it was like putting puzzle pieces together. He was the recipe of disruption and I made a lot of assumptions. I also made a lot of mistakes. I called in wiser ones.
Not having him the first twelve years of his life we found ourselves asking him, what in the hell happened? It took time and time again and slow but sure and steady as she goes, and repetition, repetition. Here… see… these hands have never hurt you. Do you see?
He reminded me of the ex of a sister friend of mine. He still does at times. That boy was intense and smoldering and quick to erupt too. fucker.
Now, we’re down the road and into his senior years. And, his sometimes unpredictability has turned into compulsive predictability. We try hard to adhere to routine, which is so important to him. And being on the buddy system with a little brother is helpful too. I truly want his aging road to be with grace.
A collective of intelligent heads worked to figure him out. In the end, though, it was Heart that did the healing. Always the best one for the job.
In the end, it is Heart that heals us all.